How many times have you been in a situation where two sides are searching for a way to work together or who want to resolve conflict? It might have been you and another person or perhaps two workgroups.. none the less, the search for a common agreement is what both parties were trying to get to.
I remember a simple exercise from my days of learning neurolinguistic programming (NLP) called “Finding an Agreement Frame.” When used properly the result is almost magical. With this strategy, you can offer some new and better ways of interacting.
Let’s say Bill’s team and Mary’s team are having a disagreement and you’ve been asked to assist them to find a common solution. Now the Bill and Mary here could be the sales team and the customer service team, or really any two or more teams looking for agreement on an outcome.
It’s important to use a whiteboard or flipchart to write the problem or challenge clearly in font of all parties. This is important because now the parties, in our example, Bill and Mary are on the same side looking at the situation together. You could say they are aligned in searching for a solution. That’s why putting the challenge out in front of all parties is so important.
The next step is to ask them a question, and ask them in these words: “Mary, what is it that you want?” Then write down what Mary says she wants toward the bottom of the page or whiteboard. Ask Bill what he wants and write it down too, also toward the bottom of the page or whiteboard. Be sure to write the exact words they both use. Those words have specific meaning to them. In this exercise we don’t necessarily need to know what the meaning is, just use the words they each use.
Next, it’s time to start to get to the resolution of the conflict. Ask each person, pointing to what they each stated they wanted… “What will that do for you?” sounds like a strange question, and trust me… it works. Write their answers above what it was they stated they wanted.
Going back and forth between Bill and Mary keep asking about the previous answer: “What will that do for you?” Keep writing the answers they give above each of the previous answers moving up the page. Keep going for more answers to “What will that do for you” until you get to an answer where you can see the body language in the other agreeing to, and vise-versa.
Find a common outcome so that when you restate it, both Bill and Mary agree and state it this way: “So what you both want is…” or if that can’t be reached, look for a linked outcome that Bill can congruently agree to what Mary wants. Stated this way: “So if Mary got this (outcome) and Bill was satisfied that (his outcome) would occur you would both agree to that?”
It’s important that you as the moderator take charge of the interaction and interrupt whenever the back-and-forth is going nowhere useful. Keep an eye on both parties for body language of agreement, such as heads nodding, or smiles.
If the participants keep arguing or you determine that there may be some “hidden agendas” you can question the premise that the two parties agreed to have you help negotiate their differences. “Perhaps your differences are too great.” And then notice how they react to that take-away. If they say something like: “No… we want to resolve this…” or something along those lines, that is a good sign that they do indeed want to reach a common resolution.
Give this strategy a try the next time you’re in the middle of a conflict and want to resolve it quickly and efficiently. I think you will be amazed how it works.
Seeing Eye-to-Eye for Agreement
